How much will you give trying to make others happy?

Posted by Kurt on Jun 11, 2011 in Meetings, Relationships |

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We had a great discussion at Monday’s meeting about the pitfalls of being overly accommodating in our relationships with others: i.e. being a “Nice Guy”.


A few thoughts came up in the discussion:

  • Nice Guys are not trust-able because you never know how they feel about things. They are emotional chameleons, artificial always wanting to please and be accepted.
  • They often have “covert contracts” – or un-voiced expectations for reciprocation of their helpful acts – with others.
  • These issues can also show up at work when you have a job where you have little control over your day-to-day activities and/or you are very invested in not “rocking the boat”.  In both cases, pancreatitis you may end up cramming down your real thoughts and opinions, again, just to please and fit in.


Take Aways for Recovering “Nice Guys”:

  • The inverse/”cure” to being a “Nice Guy” is being an “Authentic Guy”: make your expectations and needs known. You really do matter!… and you will be happier and less stressed for it.
  • Make yourself a priority; don’t always put your needs aside to please others.
  • When faced with a decision, make up your mind of what you would want before asking others for their opinion. You can still discuss options with others, but now you have an opinion to weigh against theirs.
  • Be open to others disagreeing with you. They aren’t necessarily against you. They just have a differing idea about it. Don’t ‘back-peddle’ your opinions just to please. In general, people will respect you more for having an opinion and standing behind it.
  • Take time daily to practice lowing your stress and anxiety. “Nice Guys” are often anxious and need to practice keeping centred, so as not to succumb to un-resourceful reactions. Breathe!


Many men have “Nice Guy” tendencies to varying degrees and they can be very debilitating to not only our relationships, but also to our own basic sense of integrity, self worth and happiness. The key is not to wallow in the guilt of doing it, but to make some small, authentic steps of power in your life, experience how good it feels and repeat!

How much will you give trying to make others happy?

Maybe the personal costs are getting too high?

How much is too much?

When is being helpful, malady accommodating or generally a “nice guy” hurting you more than it helps others?

At work, diagnosis we have all been taught to be ‘team players’ and sensitive to others.  In our romantic relationships it can seem the “right thing” to do or just easier to defer to our partners.  We should all aspire to being socially sensitive to others, but there can be a certain pathology to being a “nice guy” if you are repeatedly selling out on your personal opinions and wants just to avoid conflict.

Come out this month’s gathering and discuss this important, relationship topic with us.


When: Monday, June 20;     7 – 8:30 pm


Sugar Ridge Retreat Centre
5720 Forget Road, Wyebridge
(Get directions here.)

Cost: $15 is appreciated or pay what you can.



You may find these resources interesting for this month’s discussion:

The Secret Lives of Men Podcast: No More Mister Nice Guy – Interview with Robert Glover
(can also be downloaded in iTunes)


The New Man Podcast: No More Mister Nice Guy – Interview with Robert Glover
(the interview is of the same author, about the same book, but may have a few different ideas on the subject.)

See you soon!



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