Men’s Group Meeting: Integrity @ Relationships: Radical Repsonsibility

Posted by Kurt on Jul 30, 2011 in Meetings, Relationships |

Question:  What are you really committed to doing in your working life?

When we think of integrity at work, clinic buy we may think of being an honest, upstanding guy, doing the “right thing” and keeping our nose clean.  It can be that, but it is most often much more subtle.  Integrity creeps into work in our day-to-day completions of our goals and tasks: our commitments.  And, our commitments often get dropped because of “competing commitments”.  Consider this:  You say you are committed to doing [insert goal/task here], but what you really end up doing is [insert some other less important goal/task/distraction].  Sound familiar?  What’s standing between you and your true commitments are these competing commitment.

Let’s talk about this and look at some ways for us to step beyond this vicious circle and towards meeting our conscious commitments…


When:   Monday, July 18;     7 – 9 pm


Sugar Ridge Retreat Centre
5720 Forget Road, Wyebridge
(Get directions here.)

Cost:    $20 is appreciated or pay what you can.



You may find these resources interesting for this meeting:




Audio DownloadPsychjourney Podcast:  Immunity to Change   
(click on link to listen or right click and select “Save Link As…”)

  • interview with Dr. Lisa Lahey (co-author of Immunity to Change, with Dr. Robert Kegan) on how to identify and work with our unconscious commitments.

Yes, rehabilitation at the request of several of the members who had trouble making it to meetings, we have added another night per month for The Men’s Group.  We also are making it more central for some of you and holding it at the Grounded Coffee Co. (in downtown Midland).  (Thanks to Nicole, at Grounded, for the space!)  Here are the details for the new meeting night:

1st Wednesday of each month

6:00 – 8:00 pm
Grounded Coffee Co.
292 King St., Midland

(Get directions here.)

The meeting on the 3rd Monday of each month, at Sugar Ridge, is still happening – you just have one more night to choose from to come!  We will certainly send out info on any future changes, but you can always check for updates by going to the About or Calendar pages.

Hope to see you out at one of the meetings!

A Man of Responsibility Question:   

Can you take full responsibility for your life?

I heard a while back that an human adult should not need anyone else to get their  basic needs met.

The way I take this is that this is not permission to be a lone wolf or promoting anti-community sentiment.  What it is about is personal responsibility: radical responsibility.

Integrity in our relationships means “showing up” as our truest, information pills best selves in the service of the relationship.  It means not treating others in our lives as extensions of ourselves, sucking our needs from them or using them as a scapegoat when things don’t go the way we want.

The “seven year itch” is said to originate from this basic, dysfunctional  premise:  if both partners come into the relationship with unconscious notions of their own boundaries and needs (i.e. poor self awareness) they will unconsciously ask, cajole, and fight to get these needs met by their partner.  Since the interaction is “below board” there often are no overt demands made.  After about seven years (give or take a few) one or both partners get frustrated with trying to get “what they deserve” from their partner and come to the conclusion that the other is not right for them, possibly go look for it elsewhere (i.e. affair or separation/divorce) or resign themselves to being unhappy in the relationship.

Again, what if we took the bold step of saying, “I am going to be responsible for my own life.”?  Something goes wrong, you take responsibility for it and ask what you could have done differently.  You need something done, you look into it.  Does this mean you should never ask for help or everything is actually your fault?: NO.  There’s an attitude change:  you take responsibility for ensuring your needs get met (overtly) and take full responsibility for outcomes in your life….. yes, even if others appear to be at fault.

This is a tall order and I am sure it is worthy of some meaty debate, but I believe it is doable.  Come out to the next Men’s Group meeting and let’s talk about this….


When:   Wednesday, August 3;    6 – 8 pm


Grounded Coffee Co.
292 King St., Midland

(Get directions here.)

Cost:    $20 is appreciated or pay what you can.



Hendricks Institute Blog:  Radical Responsibility

I really like Katie and Gay Hendricks thoughts on how radical responsibility is foundational to a healthy relationship.



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